02.11.17 "Take my hand. Stay, Joanne. Heaven's not ready for you. Every part of my aching heart needs you more than the angels do". This is what people used to tell me when I wanted to go to the "other side". Living, maintaining a stable mood and being strong were never easy for me. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and also depression. It's a genetic disease that interferes with all aspects of my life. Crying fits, angst, lack of serotonin and lithium. Chronic feelings of emptiness, of being abandoned. Suicidal thoughts are REAL, even taking high doses of medicine. Self-mutilation, dissociation episodes and overdose on pills can take my life away. It's like my mind wants to destroy me all the time. It's not the lack of faith in God, like some people believe. It's a serious mental issue caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. One of my biggest fears is that my sister will develop the same illness. Just like Joanne, Gaga's aunt who died of lupus after a tough battle, I also fight many problems every day. To me the song "Joanne" is also about the people who love me asking me not to leave. It's about them questioning me on why I don't want to go out, eat or live. It's about the healthy part of my brain telling me to remain alive on this planet. It's about my friends holding my hand and telling me to stay strong. It's about my mom hugging me, asking me to be okay. This tattoo will always remind me of this, that my presence on this planet is still necessary and that there are a lot of people praying for me to get well. Heaven is not ready for me (yet). #tattoo #joanne #gaga #littlemonster