I have never told these things to anyone, but I am sick of feeling ashamed about things that happen to me. I am sick of still feeling like it all was my fault. I am not sure how to tell my story, should I tell it in details, or should I make it short? I will try, and please excuse my language mistakes :( So, I grew up in the town by the sea, I grew up there with my mom and sister, I went to the kindergarten there, it was really amazing, my mom always was really loving and just, she always smiled, we would go to the beach often, she teached my how to reed, I loved reading so bad, and she would tell the best stories ever, and she would sing, she had a wonderful voice. And then.. One day she got a letter from my dad (he fucked my mom, and left the other day, she got her druk and the left her ), he had written that he wanted me back, I remember my mom crying :( Then for school I came to Vilnius ( where I live now ) my grandparents lived there, grandpa bought my mom a flat, I loved living there, we would go to park after school, and the evening we would do home work, and I would always tell I had no :( I remember one day I was playing at park with my sister, and she said that grandpa is comming.. He was so mad at my mom, because she didn't picked up the phone.. He took our phones away and keys, I remember when my mom was sitting on the steps and crying, then he came and threw the keys to the ground for my mom to pick up.. And he told my mom that if it happens again, we could sleep outside.. From that moment, I lost any respect for him.. Then my mom packed the bags and wanted to leave to the town where I grew up, where everything was fine.. He driven us back from there that night.. My nursery school teacher was such a bitch, she would always want to know everything and shit, she told my grandpa that I wasn't doing my home works because of my mom, and I remember when he came one day, and he was shouting at my mom, that for her fault I wasn't doing my home work, but she would always ask me to do them.. It was my fault. From 3rd grade we moved to grandparents house.. He just packed our stuff and took it to the other house while we were in Juodkrante ( the town i grew up in).. I was so sad afterwards, because he just threw away all my toys and presents that mom got me.. First it was kind of okay, my mom just always tried to avoid him.. Then smth happen, her shyzophrenia started, she always thought that somebody wanted to hurt us (me and my sister) then she started going to school with us. I don't really know how to start telling this part of the story. Before the lestions she looked at me if I was in class, and she would sit in front of my class all the time, and I would sit alone at lunch.. With my mom. Everybody bullied me.. It was so bad. They would say shit in front of teachers, everybody were talking about my mom, they treated her really shitty. They would spit on her hair, like they did to me, they would take off her shoes and run. And I hate myself, because I loved her so so much and I just couldn't stop the bullies, i didn't cared for myself, I just wanted them to leave my mom. One summer my mom would write crazy things at nights, and then cut them into peaces and take them out, I was never scared of my mom, I always understood her. So at the end of one summer she decided to take some bottles of water, food, and lock the room, so we wouldn't have to leave to Vilnius. It was really scary, grandpa started shouting, mom had a knife, she thought she was protecting us. He said some really bad things about her. He took an axe and choped out the door... Then my mom still tried to protect us, she cried and told us not to go, she told us it will be okay, then we left.. without her.. grandpa just took us and left her there. Next summer it was Lady Gagas concert I had a first class ticket, but my mom just decided that I was too close and took me to the last class, I was so sad, because I wanted to see Gaga so bad and I got a letter for her I was working on so long. I never told it to anybody, I just lied to myself all the time that I stayed at the "pit" all the time. I was ashamed. So I saved money and bought some Gagas albums, and I bought a book from the concert on the concert day, it was so special to me, because it reminded me that day.. One day mom got mad, and just took all my stuff and thew it out.. All my Gaga suff.. I cried, but I never told to anyone, because I knew, that if anyone knew, my grandpa would be very mad at my mom and then awful things would start. I was so ashamed.. Okay, so one day, my mom didn't let us go to school, because she just wanted to leave to Juodkrante, grandpa called police, my mom was shouting and everything, so they just had a long chat with my grandparents and left.. We left to the bus station, and as mom bought tickets police stopped the bus. They wanted us to leave the bus, mom didn't knew why we are supposed to leave, so she called police, and said that fake police was threating us.. Then the ambulance came... We got out, and then they told us to lay our things on the ground, that medics just wanted to talk with my mom.. They grabed her, she was crying ans stuff. They just drew her away. They got her into a mental hospital. She stayed there for half a year. She missed xmas, new years, my birthday.. When she left, at school people would beat my up, would say things about me in front of teachers, thing that I just wanted to die for, bullies got so bad, some days I just wanted to never go to school again, because I just felt like trash, i felt like it was my falut that I got bullied.. I don't know how to tell it now. I have NEVER told this to ANYONE. My best friend came back to my class years after, one day, before my vocal training she told me to smoke a cigarette with her. It was weed. Then when I smoked a few more I was really high. She had a friend.. She had a friend (older one) that would sell her weed. She told me that it was weed and now I have to pay for it. I had no money, but she didn't wanted money at all... I don't know how to say it. She said that I have to do something for him now, and if I wouldn't she would tell my grandpa that I smoked weed that I "stole" from her, and she told that if I he didn't believed she had photos. I didn't knew what to do, I was so scared. I just wanted to end it all. So I did it. I did what she wanted me to do. I just wanted to jump off the bridge that day, I was so ashamed. She knew all my secrets, I opened my heart to her, and before she left she said really awful stuff about me to all school.. She was always the popular one.. Everybody believed her. Then she left my school. I hated myselft so deeply. I wanted to die. I am in tears I was so scared. I have never agreed it was a sexual abuse. I just couldn't. I didn't wanted it to be true. I felt like it always was fault, then the anorexia came into my life, I just hated myself so bad, and I hated how I would always get bullied for my weight, I am not overweigh, I am way worse. I used to cut, I used to feel worthless, I used to think that nobody will ever love me, or that I am week and I won't ever achieve anything. I am better now, I over came my fears, when I would feel so down I would always listen to Lady Gaga, she would color my world, she made me believe that my story has a happy ending, I love her so much, she gave me so much hope, she would always pick me up when I was so low, I can't tell how much I love her, and I don't think I ever could, she helped me to over come sexual abuse, cyber bullying, bullying, my family problems. She was always there for me when everybody turned theyr backs on me. My heart just breaks into million pieces when she is sad, or she feels bad, and I feel like I can fly when she is happy, I cry when I watch her live, nobody understands me, because they think she's only my "teenage craziness" but she is not. She is the most wonderful person alive, and I don't care if she gets fat, old, or if she quits music, if quiting music would make her happy, I would want her to quit, because all I want for her is to be happy. I don't care about album sales, about outfits she wears, or about what kind of music she makes. Everything she makes is perfect for me. She does the things that everybody should do, but somehow people still say it's wrong. She is the most adorable and talented person ever, she makes me feel just.. Out of this world, she makes me feel like one day I will reach my dreams, she teached my how to never quit, how to stand for my rights, and that staying true to myself is more important than fitting in, or sitting at the popular kids table. Lady Gaga, I could never thank you enough for what you have teached me, for always being by my side, for helping me with my self confidence issues and many more. I hope I meet you one day, it's one of my biggest dreams, and by the way Lady Gaga, it would mean me world if you would come to Lithuania on #LG5 xo And if you ever come to Lithuania, I am always here if you will want to hang out with somebody xo It was never my fault, and I am proud to say that I am a survivor. And if any of you will ever need help, or anyone to talk with, I am always here for all of you xo My twitter : @stefani280386 My gmail : monstrusart@gmail.com #Bullying #Rape #Sexualabuse #LG5 #Survivor #BullyingSupport #depression #anorexia #cyberbully #LGBT #lesbian