I just want to share this very emotional story with all of you, because your bravery and compassion inspires me to be brave too. I only just now started to realise how for one and a half year I tried to delude myself. Not only was I trying to be someone else – somebody who I couldn’t relate with at all – but I was also trying to dry out my creative spirit as well as my artistic mind. This because I was convinced that my art and my passion are the two things that created the misery within my life. To put it very simple: I was just giving up as an artist, I was putting myself in a vulnerable position as a human being. It was a change from being a renown and well respected fighter and a brave and outstanding person, to being a complete shut down mirror, as I was always acting in a way to please the person in front of me. I didn’t just lose my artistic spirit, I lost all of my spirit at all and my integrity as well. One of the most inportant things after all: my honesty and basically everything I stood for. I lost my reliability and trustworthiness. All of this got me a life of great misery and deep emotional pain. My depressive mood even affected my body to the extent that I couldn’t continue my training as well as making me literally feel sick. And it was then when I finally started to slowly accept the fact that all of my artistic and creative struggle was better than the emotional pain I was going through, because of me trying to meet people’s expectations. In this period of my life I got obsessed with people’s opinions about me, not even their real ones – because how could I possibly know what goes on in other peoples minds. No, I was constantly worrying about what people could potentially think, say or write about me. And this is how I lost my artistic freedom and how I began to completley shut down my artistry. I put myself into a cage and there is nobody to blame for it. Because I wanted to stay in that cage, I didn’t want to leave the box and be outside of my comfort zone again. Scared that my expectations and my dreams would once again become the victim of public opinion. But never throughout this period after coming back from England in June, anybody has ever offended me directly or my dreams and my artistry. I just didn’t have the courage to fight for the dream I had, and to stand by it, to get drowned with it, to die fighting for it. The worst part of it all is that I somehow got numb to the whole situation and to the whole world. I was not communicating anymore, I was, as someone very famous once said about our generation „silently communicating lies“. And my inner spirit was slowly but securely fading away until nearly anything has been left, and that’s where I am now standing. Looking back on the greatest shit of my life, the biggest mistake I will never be able to excuse myself. How could I get to a point where I had totally lost myself? I wish that I can regain my strenght, my positivity, my honesty, my joy, my fearless mind, my artisitc and creative spirit, my integrity, my opinion, my life, my voice, my head and my passion in any way or other. I need to get back on track, on the right track, where nobody can push me off again. On the route that is going to take me straight up the top where I know the gold is, and not in the kindness of critics and other peoples opinions. be fearless, believe in yourself, and be who you are, because everything else is an insult to your integrity and to everybody else. Stop diming your own shine and spotlight and embrace the superstar that just waits inside of you to get unleashed. #FanArt #Inspirational #GagaTalk #BornThisWay #struggle #life #art #ArtisticHeart