I saw a lot of stuff little kids should never see when I was growing up, things I wish I never would have seen and I know those memories trigger so many of these nightmares I have. But I don't know how to make peace with those memories because that means I would have to face them all again 20 years later and that scares me. They've been suppressed for so long that I don't even feel connected to those memories anymore, like it all happened to someone else - then it all comes back in a raging flash during a nightmare and I wake up alone in my bed paralyzed because I'm afraid it's really happening and I'll never wake up. I used to climb into my bed with my brother when I was little because sleeping with someone helped, made me feel safe. Now I just lay in the corner and stare at the door unable to fall asleep. This is when I'm extra thankful for @gaga and littlemonsters.com - I can get on this site and look through all of your posts that make me smile - I can turn @gaga on my iPod and fall asleep to her voice, her music and those two things combined help calm me down and help me go back to sleep. It's like when I'm most vulnerable and most alone, I'm never alone .. Because I have all of you in my corner with me. It brings me a peace I never knew existed. Thank you all so much for helping me be brave on nights like this. xoxoxoxo