I am a 35 year old female in a males body just itching to break free by one day coming out to my friends and family. It's beginning to get really hard for me to continue acting like a male. But my problem is that I'm disabled and cannot work, therefore I cannot afford to begin my transition that I have longed for my entire life. I absolutely looove fashion and fitness. I work out often and train in Kung Fu to better my body and mind. While I may seem happy on the outside and nice to everyone I meet, truth is I am miserable on the inside. I want to come out so bad but I'm scared of rejection and physical harm. Most of my family isn't exactly "Okay" with people like me and there are some that I'm confident would try to hurt me if they knew the truth. There have been many times when I would be hanging out with some cousins and sat there listening to them say nasty things about LGBT's, making fun of us, talking about beating us up and laughing about it, and just overall the worst things that none of us prefer to hear. For that reason I have never come out. For the past year since early 2013 I have been changing my life with my eating habits, my workouts, my martial arts training, and my overall mental wellness. I think I am strong and skilled enough now that if harm were to come my way by coming out, that I will be able to defend myself. I haven't hung out with my cousins in quite a few months now so it's not like I would put myself into that situation since I plan to never go back to them. I wish I could afford at least the hormone therapy so that I can come out and begin to at least look like a female but that's another thing holding me back. I don't want to walk around looking like a man wearing womens clothing in public, that's just something you never see where I'm from. The people around here are mostly unaccepting of that sorta thing. I've kind of accepted that because of my disability that I'll never truly be happy and able to become a female due to money. I would have to have someone pay for it if possible. I just want to be happy and have a real smile on my face rather than fake smiles or no smiles at all. I don't want to die unhappy when my time comes. It really bothers me to the point that I cry once or twice weekly or every couple of weeks alone in my bedroom. That has been going on for about 3 months now and it's getting harder and harder to hide who I am from certain people that I love. I already know that I won't lose my mother and my best friend by coming out, but I'm not 100% sure about the others in my life. I have 3 brothers and I know one of them won't be so accepting of it, not sure about the other 2. I know they'd still love me but visiting would be uncomfortable for them I'm sure, and probably less often on visits as well. I've thought this through for so many years and even discreetly tested a few people in my own way. I know how it will play out for the most part but there's still a lot of mystery there. Even though I'm attracted to females and not males, there are some who won't understand the difference between being gay and being transgendered. Technically I would be considered a lesbian if I weren't in a males body. I have taken 2 steps though. I came out to one of my old high school friends who lives a bisexual lifestyle, and now on here and my youtube account. But I still have yet to tell anyone in my family or circle of friends outside of the internet. I'm just not ready for that and don't know that I'll ever be if I don't find a way to pay for HRT at minimum. Even if I never have the surgery, just the hormones and looking like a woman and being able to dress like a woman in public would make me happy. No one would have to know what's inside the underwear unless I happen to meet a female who would be accepting of that as well as my disability. But the chances of that I think are slim to none. So that's my story. I hope to find acceptance here so that I can at least be a little happier, and maybe not break down and cry often like I do. Yours Truly, Cloey Nicole