I'm just too tired to go on. I'm too tired to keep on fighting. I've had to be strong for too many years, Had to be the one to clean up the mess Wipe the tears from my loved ones faces While I had to bury my own in deep dark wells. So many dirty secrets. My friends don't understand me Why I am so sad sometimes, Why I just disappear for awhile. They get mad at me, They resent me, Say hurtful things to my face, When in the end I'm just trying to protect them From the ugly evil inside me. I have no control over my emotions anymore, No pretty Rx bottle can save me, They're all filled with empty promises At the end of the day. I've seen too much, Done too much, Felt too much, I am beyond repentance, A waste of atoms and molecules On an already dirty planet. Nights like these when I cannot sleep And there is no warm heart to hold close I just cry and hate myself even more For being so vulnerable. I am tired of the hate, I am tired of the scrutiny, I am tired of all the old memories That wake me screaming alone and afraid. I'm sick of not just feeling all my old scars, But being forced to stare at them Day in and day out, A mocking reminder of just how little control A little girl has over her own body. I can't live like this anymore, On a bipolar plane of existence Where my everyday is so cheap as A bottle of empty pills. I genuinely want to die my dear monsters, The only reason to stay alive is for those I love, But I feel like the husk that's left of me for them, Is a bigger insult than the quick alternative. I try to be brave I try to heal But each day its like one step forward, Two steps back. I love you all with all my heart. #Journal #diary #help #death #bipolar #abuse #mentalillness #love #tired #pain #memories #monsters #gaga #gagatalk #brave #mothermonster