i am gonna go into full-on critical mode here. I can see that you are a good lyricist but it might just be to direct,to say ... The good thing is that i can see this song being sang by anyone ... i can write you some music if u want
it actually Is pretty good.. only if i were u i would have put in something catchy. like "muh muh mah mary " and rah rah rahahaa.. i hope u know what im trying to say ;p but you did a great Job keep on the good work looking forward to hear the song :D