I'll try to make this short and sweet...my mom is an alcoholic and she has MPD (multiple personality disorder), my dad is an abusive controlling asshole who was addicted to heroin and cocaine..anyways...so I never really had a childhood...my dad left my mom when i was only 10 months old. so my mom and him got a divorce. he got visitation with him. and i was raised by another man whom i still consider my dad today. anyways he was really abusive to my mom so she packed up and we moved to south dakota, oh i lived in Kansas by the way...and we left him. my dad wanted visitation so my mom agreed to meet him halfway because he lives in missouri. this is where the trauma starts. when I was 4 years old my dad molested me. And kidnapped me. Hid me away for awhile my mom couldn't find me. When he finally took me back to his house my mom showed up with the police and the police had to force entry to get me because he refused to give me up.. After we went to court..the judge decided it was unsubstantiated..so he got away with it. I didn't see him for awhile after that. Life moved on and I had to go through intense therapy for a long time. We moved back to Kansas. For the sake of my brothers they're both special needs. And they needed to be close to their dad. So now I'm in 2nd grade. And I started to slowly have visitation with my dad...it went well up until 7th grade when he told me I was not worth his time and he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. That same night I started cutting. I hid it from my mom for almost a year until she finally caught on. And she freaked out. Put me in therapy once again life went on. Now comes 8th grade, I'm in a new town and I discover a thing called drugs. I got extremely bullied...I started an eating disorder and I starting taking pills. Amphetamines so that they would keep me awake and suppress my appetite. I had to transfer schools because the bullying got so bad...my freshman year I started getting into cocaine. And I got down to 90 pounds and my mom started to get really emotionally and physically abusive. And mentally abusive as well. She started doing pills and drinking a lot. So on my 16th birthday, she got so fucked up she beat me and we had a 3 hour fight she completely destroyed my room and a week later I attempted suicide. And got out in a mental hospital for a week. The abuse continued until the end of my sophomore year...I got put into foster care. And I was still cutting and by then I was smoking meth. And cocaine. And I still threw my food up. My first foster home was alright but I attempted suicide by drinking 32 oz or NyQuil and slitting my wrists. A couple days later I got I put in another mental hospital...for 6 fucking months because I brought drugs in and I kept self harming and I still was throwing up my food. I just got released out of the hospital February this year. I'm still in foster care. And obviously I'm still doing drugs. I don't cut as often. And I still struggle with bulemia. I absolutely hate myself and have no respect for myself. There have been multiple times when I have pretty much overdosed on drugs and didn't do anything about it...and during the summers before I got put into foster care I would party every night. Uh and I got sexually abused by many guys because of drugs because I used to sell my body for drugs cause I had no money...now I pay for them with money. And despite my drug addiction and self harming and mental issues..my relationship with my mom has gotten so much better. By next month I will be placed back in the home. And if I don't stop drugs they'll keep me in foster care..so I have to make a choice..idk. So now you all know why I love drugs. They numb me and I can escape reality...I get so sick and tired of having to depend on a fucking man made substance. It's killing me. I have so much heart and organ and brain damage. It's eating me away physically emotionally and mentally...but I don't want to stop because I'm terrified..of reality. Idk if you guys know what it's like to sit in your room alone high with no sleep no food in you..picking at your skin trying to get the bugs off and hallucinating, hearing voices, literally going insane...not knowing if your heart will explode or your lungs collapse. This is honestly the most I've ever opened up..to anyone. I know you Monsters won't care but its nice to vent somewhere where I won't be judged..at least not a lot...anyways I'll stop. Ha. Thank you for reading. And have a good night.