LIke Charlie Chaplin once said in his speech: "We think too much and feel too little." - I know it's childish, but for me personally, sometimes it's really hard to be brave somehow. :/ All I ever wanted to be is a successful artist... Just let's say many things have happend in my past and I just can't forget them. I want to move forward but I guess I'm too dumb for it sometimes. I want to be loved, but I feel ugly - I can't even love myself, so how can other people love me? I'm still insecure, but Lady GaGa and her Little Monsters give me strengh. They are my escapism. I live in illusions, because I can't cope with reality all times. Life is too weird... I don't know. I have the feeling my life hasn't begun yet - I feel empty, useless. I feel lost. I don't know who I really am. I don't have any good friends in real life really - I'm alone. But I kind of get used to this - I'm almost a misanthrophist in a way. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love humans, but I'm kind of... I don't know. Look at our world. Millions of people die of hunger every day for example - and on the other hand, we all live in ridiculous affluence - just one example of billion. It's terrible. If it wouldn't be so sad, it would sound like a joke - it's so grotesque. I wish all these negativity would be away, I wish I could help other people. I wish we would all work together strong and make the world to a really better place. A much, much better place. I'm very eccentric. I may be too strange too live, but I think I’m also too rare to die. I just have no self esteem or awareness very often and that's my problem. My biggest dream is self-actualization, but I always failed so far. I made so many mistakes in life, I hate self-pity and I don't want to complain, but sometimes I have a bad day, just like right now. It is killing me inside. I have so many doubts... I was bullied many times in my past (both physically and otherwise) and I never learned how to protect myself. I have the feeling nobody does believe in me really, that's why it seems almost ridiculous to me - how can I believe in myself if nobody else does? I feel like nobody. I'm a loser. I'm nothing. I know, I'm stupid... When I die, no one will remember me perhaps? I want to make a difference. I want to bring revolution to this world. I wish I could be an icon. I know it probably sounds very pretentious and selfish and egoistic, but that's my dream - I want to influence the world, revolutionize it - entertain people, make them think. I want to be like Andy Warhol. I want to be like Salvador Dalí or Alexander McQueen or Karl Lagerfeld or Walt Disney in a way, you know? I have so many dreams. I would love to be a movie director for example or an author or illustrator or photographer, designer etc. - I just love being creative. I breathe art. I'm so sorry for this messy post. Maybe I will delete it afterwards out of shame - it's just I can't cope anymore with my life and I want attention, allthough it might seem unpropriate - but nobody knows how I feel. I never ever told anyone what I was going through and what I'm still going through - they all have no single clue. They think I'm a happy, yet naive person, but I'm actually the opposite, in my opinion. I even tried to attempt suicide secretly one day and now I'm ashamed of it, 'cause it's really, really stupid, life is like a diamand, hard but previous - too short and precious – even if I would live for 100 years (and I'm sure I won't, since I have bad genes and an unhealthy life style), I wouldn’t have enough of life. I love to be alive, it’s so wonderful. And I could never do that to my parents, they would think it's their fault. It's just... I'm a bit depressive right now and I have to share it somehow - please apologize, I don't want to annoy you, I just had to do post this right now, sorry. I know it might seem like a cheap cry for attention to post this here, but that's how I feel and I wanted to do - I don't want to be an attention seeker, but I just feel awful right now and the internet is the only thing where I have the feeling I can escape for a short time and still communicate with other people, sorry. I hope you won't judge it. And sorry for my awful english please, german is my mother tongue (I'm from Austria, Europe). I hope I could express a little bit what I'm trying to say...