Going tomorrow morning to the Lab Corp to have my blood taken to see if there's something wrong with my thyroid, see if I'm anemic & some other stuff that I still don't understand. I'm not scared of having my blood taken. I don't give a fuck if it all turns out to be bad. The reason I need prayers is b/c I lost the most important man in my life one year ago to lung cancer. My grandfather, or as I called him, Dad. Tomorrow will be one year. I was gonna have a memorial/ceremonial type thing, but after writing 2 sentences I broke down & cried. I finished the letter, & I can't read it without crying. I'm still grieving his death, still mourning. When I lost him, I lost a big part of myself. At first I would just numb the pain with drugs, & once that was over, I've just been majorly depressed & lost, confused. You can fit a lot into a year, but I didn't accomplish anything really. I don't think I'm gonna do that memorial, I can't cry in front of my mom & step dad. It would only make things worse, like a domino effect & we don't do well with stuff like that. We just make jokes. We are never serious really. I guess that's just our way of dealing with life. But I know he's in Heaven & he hears me, he knows what's in that letter. The last place I talked to him was in my mom's bedroom, on his death bed.. so some time when no one is here I'm gonna go in the very spot where I last held his hand & he told me he loved me over & over, & I'm gonna read it to him. I told him that he'd always be in my heart & that I would make him proud. That I would go to school & have my own salon by the time I'm 26. I am still planning on doing that. But my head is a very dark, confusing place right now, as it has been for about 6 months now. I am starting a new antidepressant Friday, I've gotta get my head straight before I can go to cosmetology school. I thought I'd have that done by now but my depression has only gotten worse, as well as my anxiety. Anyways, I know we've all lost loved ones, but I only know how I am feeling, & idk how to describe it other than I feel like I'm drowning, I'm in so much pain, & I am completely & utterly lost + alone. & I am just heartbroken. & I am so scared... I can't really elaborate on that cos idk what I'm afraid of.. I just need to know that someone cares & is here for me, & if you do pray, please keep me & my mother in your prayers. The rest of the family seems fine, they didn't get close to him like I did. They're strong & it probably won't effect them like it has for me & my mother. My mother talked to him on the phone at least 3 times a day for as long as I can remember, & she moved in when it got bad & took care of him cos I wasn't strong enough to do it alone. So I think my mother & I are the ones who are gonna take this the hardest. She told my DR that I've always been sensitive & that I take everything to heart, no matter who it is or what they say. I never really realized this until she said it. But it's not entirely true, there was a time when I was bulletproof & didn't care what others thought. I hope I get that girl back & soon. This is getting too long so if you are still reading this: I love you. xx UPDATE: The meds are finally working, & I feel like my old self again. Of course I still miss dad like crazy but I know he would want me to be happy, & I finally feel like I have something to live for. Have a special someone in my life now, he's amazing & he helps me forget all the BS. I'm so happy with him, he makes everything better & out love is so strong. It's crazy, beautiful, carefree & unconditional love that just consumes me. He saved me when I was in a very dark place. He's the reason I'm still alive. :) Thanks for your support Gaga, Black Jesus, & all the monsters who have read this.& Tara I love your message. I love you guys more than you'll ever know. Where the fuck would we be without Gaga?