6 years of battling anorexia and bulimia. 8 years of cutting. 4 suicide attempts. 8 inpatient hospitalizations. 10 + visits to the ER for IV fluids, electrolytes, and being hooked up to heart monitors. 10 years of therapy. Thousands of dollars of medical debt, and for what? A quest for unattainable perfection? Eating disorders are not glamorous. They destroy lives and kill. Every day is a struggle to recover, and some days I wonder if recovery is even possible. The only things that make life a little better and more manageable are Gaga's statements of empowerment and her music. I'm not quite sure why I even posted this since I'm still too humiliated, embarrassed, and disgusted to look at myself in the mirror let alone make this viewable to the entire Little Monsters community, but I suppose it's a starting point on the road to acceptance. I wear sports bras to flatten my chest since they make me feel thinner, and I quit wearing underwear entirely when I realized how fat it makes me look. I miss the days of weighing less than I do now and when baggy clothing elevated my mood. I'm ashamed of my curves, and my biggest fear is that no one will ever find me attractive or love me since I will never be a stunning, Hollywood beauty. I wish I were as gorgeous as Gaga, had her body, or even possessed half of the bravery and courage that the majority of you all do. I know my body revolution and story are incredibly tardy, but better late than never, right?