I hate who I am, I always have. I tried to love my family and I tried to do right by everyone, but all I ever did was wrong. I spent most of my life wishing I was dead, or waiting for it, as far off as it may be. I'm too cowardly to kill myself, so I'm going to do the next best thing. I'm going to kill HER. I'm ashamed of everything I am and where I came from. I'm going to kill the bitch who let others ruin my life, and I'm going to undergo a REBIRTH. I'll be changing my name next year, legally (after my trip to Boston for BTWB because I'll need my passport) and I'll be changing myself. I can't be the person I want to be entirely, but I can instead be the nearest I can damn well get. Someone new will arise in 2013, or else I'm lost forever. One more breakdown and I lose my job. I will not let this happen, I will not let others ruin my life, nor myself. It's been hard to immerse myself in Gaga too much because being such a weak little disgusting pushover makes it hard to surround oneself with such a beautiful, admirable person. But that will end. I can embrace her fully and for the first time I can raise these fxxking paws as someone new.