for the past three years iv been very depressed and paranoid. it started when i was thirteen. it had to do with a girl. but other thinks happened that made everything worse. one of my friends drowned on a fieldtrip to a lake we were on in 7th grade. it was my first experience of death to someone close to me and it shattered everything. to see my whole class in utter chaos yelling at people to go into the water and find him. everyone i knew was crying. blame circled around for so long, when it wasnt any one persons fault. it was a random blow of chance. people still blame him for drowning....which pisses me off to no end. it wasnt his fault at all. then idk boys started touching me in eighth grade and no matter what i did they wouldnt stop. and they called me flabex bc of the "flab" on my arms. so i felt fat. and disgusting. they called me flat and told me i had a mustache and made fun of me for liking girls. i cut so much...freshman year was ok. i had one good boyfriend that i totally ruined bc i cheated on him with girls ( i thought i was gay, which is not an excuse...) my anxiety picked up though. i ripped and tore my cuticles, picked my head until it bled, scratched scabs, w.e. i was bulimic for like 2 weeks. but i like food so that didnt last. im very sensitive about my weight, but a few curves never hurt anyone. the worst is probably how i gave up my virginity. i thought he legitametly liked me and cared about me when he really didnt. he pretty much just hit it and quit it. even thought he knows i cut and how unstable i am. sex trumps everything else, ig. and it wasnt even that good. my parents found out the next day through an unclosed tumblr account, and iv been grounded till a few weeks ago. it tore them apart. they made me talk to my therapist about it, which i really didnt want to do. im glad to tell all of you that my story ends happily so far. my best friend helped me through pretty much all of this. hes been there for me no matter how big i fucked up. hes been in love with me since 8th grade, and iv been trying to ignore how much i love him too, because i didnt want to lose my best friend. but now wer dating and i havent ever been happier. and for now i am ok.