I've had the worst year of my life. My grandpa, who I became so close to last year, died in March. My real father disowned me 4 years ago.. 2 years ago, a guy I was once close to killed himself. My parents were divorced and still acting like kids in high school, my dad didn't want me, no one wanted me really. I had just got out of an 8 year relationship (it was on & off) and still loved him.. He had immediately moved on... I had all this shit weighing on my shoulders and no one to turn to. I was staying at my sisters house and decided I would take 60 pills which I will not reveal what they were, but she came home early from work and woke me up, asking my why my pupils were so big and why I couldn't stand up straight.. I hadn't been able to piss in 12 hours so I told her what I did, so she took me to the hospital and they told me if I had been asleep another hour my kidneys would have shut down completely and I would have died. To this day I wished my sister hadn't come home. But then again, I would have never really gotten to know my Grandpa who I now call my dad.. He's in Heaven now and not a day has gone by that I don't miss him. I was numb for a long time, but for the past week I have been crying myself to sleep.. My sister that saved my life has an almost 5 year old, we live 6 hours away and I had her little girl for over 2 weeks. I love my niece, but I am going through a lot that no one could ever understand. I have severe anxiety and depression, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and I'm pretty sure I am bipolar. I have to take xanax every day just to cope. I've been contemplating suicide for a while now. I only have 2 friends that I can trust, and I know it would kill them... but I think it's for the best. I live with my mom and her boyfriend, never see anyone and rarely leave the house. Today I decided to get out of bed and go into the living room where my mom was sewing her boyfriend's pants b/c he's over 400 lbs and they ripped. While she was doing that we noticed the pair he has on were beginning to rip. I hadn't been awake long and I couldn't stop laughing... after a few minutes of me going into hysterics he said "You need to lay off the drugs". That pushed me over the edge because I was trying to not take my xanax today. So, natually, I stopped laughing and told him I hadn't taken anything, then went through the kitchen and knocked everything off the counter. He's one to talk, he took over 40 pain pills in one day b/c his knee was hurting. My mom loves me, but she doesn't show it. She just doesn't have the heart to kick me out. I don't know what's wrong with me, why nobody wants me. I am so alone and I don't want to live with myself either honestly, so maybe I do understand. My brother is gone and he has some razor blades in his room, so I think I am gonna take the rest of my pills and get in the bath... and all the people who pushed me to this will feel guilty. I think my family will be sad for maybe a week, then celebrate. I'm a fucking bitch. I got this way from my mom and real dad, always fighting.. and I still love my ex no matter what I might say or do. But once he laid his hands on me I saw the look in his eyes that my dad used to have when he beat my mother. I couldn't stay with someone that's gonna end up beating me... If it weren't for Lady Gaga, I would have done this a long time ago. I just can't stand another day living like this, it does get better for some, but I'm tired of waiting and I want to be with my Grandfather again. In a place where I won't feel like this. Congratulations, world, you win.